I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
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My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now