Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
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[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened