My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
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POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky