We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
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That earthquake could have been an email.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.