Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
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5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY