Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
You Might Also Like
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I鈥檇 like to buy this place
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pok茅mon.
when someone tells me love is in the air 馃樂
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Never make a promise you can鈥檛 reschedule.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn鈥檛 sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don鈥檛 like my house?