I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
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*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
wait.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.