MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
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I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Labreador
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.