Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
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Good point.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
bears
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”