GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
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Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Me if I was a dog
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.