Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
You Might Also Like
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
so this horse walks into a bar
Velcrow
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.