Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
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I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it