Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
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If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.