[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
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I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
January has been Januweary
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
yea so i messed up lol
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.