If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
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What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up