Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
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Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Everyone’s family
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!