I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
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I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.