I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
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Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
This guy gets it.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises