Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
You Might Also Like
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.