Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
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I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.