Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
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Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
ACED my prostate exam!
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?