Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
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For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.