why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!