The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
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“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important