If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
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Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
how high up are we talkin’?