Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
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fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup