There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
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Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.