I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
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Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
this is me
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol