friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
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7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*