I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
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When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Mood.. 😂
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off