“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
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Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
then why did i get this email
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.