BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
You Might Also Like
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien