Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
You Might Also Like
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same