I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
You Might Also Like
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.