shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
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They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say