I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
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Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.