I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
You Might Also Like
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.