Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
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ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.