HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
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agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Buying a well is money well spent.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
#Caturday
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.