Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
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Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
he’s doing your taxes
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.