Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
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“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I think we should hear other voices.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Time heals everything 🙂
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.