My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
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I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!