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I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER