I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
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Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week