[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
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My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I need better friends
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars