[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
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Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
This hospital has everything
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My biological clock is wheezing.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.