nature’s most graceful animal
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I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
is it earth
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?