I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
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accurate
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
So we got a goldfish…
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
prepare for carbonated trouble
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.