Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
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if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
LMAO
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.