“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
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left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.